Cigarettes and His Inferiority Complex
by Amaryne
Summary: We're supposed to be friends, but I'm just someone he rebounds on, failure after failure. I'm someone he looks down on, someone he knows he can be better than. He's number one among us, but not among L and Near - MattMello friendship


**I'm sorry, I made Mello a lot...ehh, more possessive then I had aimed for. It was supposed to be only about Mello's insecurity, but Matt took over me! Blame him! Not me! I'm innocent DX**

**So – R&R!**

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Mello grew up hoping he could be L.

He made it perfectly clear that he was going to be L, no matter how freaking smart that self-righteous albino child was, even if he was emotional, surely it would someday be _better _than _no _emotions! Near, with his blank look and baggy, ivory pajamas, surely would someday find that no emotions would hinder him in his work? Yet Mello still watches enviously from a distance, wishing that L would pick him, because it seemed so inevitable that he would pick Near, but _Mello _needed to be L. He wanted it more than Near, who barely spoke to L as when he visited. He would acknowledge him as L praised him, but Mello spoke to him like a person. He made conversation with L, and they spoke like equals. Why is it that he could speak well with L yet Near would still look down on him? He knew more about L then Near ever did, ever will, yet nothing could persuade L to pick Mello.

When he feels as if it's too much, when he feels as if it's not fair and he needs someone to rebound on, someone to vent on, to vent _to, _Matt comes in. Matt grins easily with a lazy manner and wears goggles on his face. Mello sometimes longs for that way Matt can just not care about anything. Yearns for the way Matt doesn't envy like he does, yearns for the way he can be content with what he has and what he _is. _It's almost painful when Mello inquires as to why Matt never tries to overcome and surpass Mello and Near, never tries to be _L, _the greatest detective of all time and Matt replies, "Because it's so awesome being just _Matt._" Matt shrugs it off, as if it was just a piece of dust which had latched itself onto his shirt, and quickly starts on about the new game he managed to convince Roger to get for him, and how he's found a new way to coerce Roger into buying things for you. But Mello just gawks, as if it's such a strange aspect of Matt not to care whether he is L or not. He thinks that Matt notices this, has always known it, but he says nothing, because sometimes, quote Matt himself, "the truth is unnecessary".

As Matt and Mello grew closer (yet you could never really call them _old chums _or _best buds_ – they were Matt and Mello, nothing more, nothing less) Matt had become property. Something Mello would use to whine to because he hates being judged, which is strangely ironic because of the rosary which dangles from his neck. Matt used to comment and agree with him in the times where he actually thought that him and Mello were best friends, not just someone Mello needed to order to restrain himself from burning down the orphanage. But now Matt just nods and listens before going back to his game, fingering a cigarette carton no one knows is starting to regularly linger in Matt's pocket that likes to leave black stains in his lungs.

One day Matt finds himself craving for it. He finds himself so desperate to inhale the nicotine that he shamelessly hides behind a bush when no one is looking and eagerly takes the packet out of his pocket – it was as if his hands were acting on their own accord as they fumbled to pull the cigarette out. He leans a bit against the bush and sighs in relief as he finally gets what he desires the most now. Screw Kira, screw Mello, screw _L. _He was the one who got Mello so hyped up in the first place. Matt sighs again, freezing as he hears an incredulous "_Matt?_". At least it isn't Roger's voice, Matt thinks. It could be a whole lots worse. Instead of turning his head his eyes glaze over to see Mello towering over Matt who is sitting down with his legs sprawled out, goggles covering his eyes and cigarette only just balancing on Matt's lips. Matt slowly takes the cigarette with his middle and forefinger and finally faces Mello. He thinks he must look pathetic with the cigarette. He was just Mello's dog, and Mello's dog isn't supposed to smoke, because only people who are stressed smoke, and surely _Matt _can't be stressed, can he?

_Matt _wears goggles and a black and white striped shirt and doesn't give a shit about whether he's L or not. _Matt _listens intently and bounces off opinions along with his own. _Matt _can't be friends with anyone else in the orphanage because he's _Mello's _friend, who is insanely _possessive _because _Matt _is the only one who could possibly _tolerate _him and if he loses _Matt _then he loses--!

Mello shakes his head. "Matt, what the _hell _do you think you're doing?"

It's perfectly _clear _on what he's doing, maybe not so clear on _why _he's doing it, but all the same, Matt doesn't answer because Mello's a boy genius and he shouldn't be slow on these sorts of things. Mello thinks _typical Matt _only Matt smoking _isn't _typical Matt, and he's worried that now it _will _become typical Matt since now Mello knows that Matt's new scent isn't just his own imagination. Mello's unsure to how to continue, but does anyway. He's not a person who hesitates and is prone to doing things without thinking, jumping without a solution, not looking before he leaps.

Mello crouches because some kids are staring at him, wondering why he had yelled at a bush. Matt watches him because he's always supposed to watch Mello, keep track of what he does.

"Look, the game addiction I can bear," Mello hisses, wrinkling his nose as Matt exhales, the smoke flying out of his mouth. "But come on? Smokes? Do you think that you're cool for this or something? Are you trying to impress someone? A girl?"

"Yes, Mello, I am trying to impress people and gain attention, that's why I'm sitting behind a bush where no one can see me," Matt says flatly, this time spacing out a little as he stares into nothingness in front of him. This is his own _Matt _time and he's content. In fact, he looks forward to the times where he hides behind a random place and starts smoking, and he's slightly startled on how it's become a daily routine. At first it was limited (only one smoke a day, only _one) _but now it's "any time possible". Matt feels a bit stupid for not thinking that Mello would start searching for him since Matt now trades in Mello rants for smoke times. But what's done is done, and Mello's disgusting, twisted expression was probably something unavoidable in the first place.

Mello bites into his chocolate hard, the same way he does when he speaks about Near. Matt smirks with an odd feeling of satisfaction and he hears the brutal _crack _of it. "_Matt._" This time it's a demand, an order, not a question.

Matt groans but nods, motioning for Mello to actually sit next to him. Mello does so, impatiently waiting for an explanation. "It's just something I tried for fun," He lies, and he doesn't look him in the eye. "Bit of a taste of a normal teenage life, that's all." He grins just to add a Matt-esque touch to it. Now Mello was bound to believe him, and he knows he does because Mello rolls his eyes and tries to make himself a bit more comfortable on the grass.

"It's a stupid habit," He mutters as he brushes off some leaves that had caught onto his pants, but he doesn't comment any further.

Matt keeps his grin because that's what Matt does. "You can leave if you want."

Mello stares at him, his eyes boggling. "No way. Near just beat me on _another _test and he doesn't even do anything about it, he just doesn't talk to anyone as if he's better than everything else, and he's still wearing those Goddamn pajamas -!"

Now, it's not that Matt hates Mello for always complaining about Near. He thinks it's rather unfair because Near hadn't presented any contempt towards Mello yet Mello was always watching from a distance, glaring at him, "accidentally" misplacing his toys and stealing L's attention all the time. Matt wonders if Near minds that all Mello's pranks are pulled on him, and if Near ever displays any other emotion other than the blank expression he holds consistently. Matt ponders on what would happen if he attempted to make friends with Near. One thing he loved about Mello is that he was so unpredictable, making any reaction he has amusing (though it was likely that the reaction would be rather destructible, too). Matt eyes Mello as he blabbers on, face flushed with anger. Finally he lets his cigarette fall to the ground and watches Mello flinch. The tobacco smell clings the air and Mello coughs harshly, glaring at Matt angrily.

"Honestly? You're doing this?" Mello asks, clearly annoyed.

Matt shrugs absentmindedly. He considers lighting another one but he's already warned by Mello's fiery glare, so he doesn't. Instead he stands up and says, "I'm going to go to the common room until class starts, 'kay?"

Mello nods. "I'm coming with you." He stands up as well.

Matt inwardly groans. He likes Mello, but sometimes this whole ranting thing goes too far. They're all the same words repeated over and over again. Matt contemplates on the 'making friends with Near' idea, but decides that it might be taking a step too far for Mello. He needs something to distract himself first – eventually he decides on Linda. She's quiet, which wasn't exactly an oddity, and she is pleasant and polite, from what he hears. Stepping into the common room Mello immediately stops speaking. Near is there, Linda is there. There are a few girls who giggle and blush as the other group of boys on the other side of the room catch their eyes, and sooner or later they're all going to participate in a game widely known as _Truth or Dare_.

Linda's eyes meet Matt's, but she only smiles. She doesn't wave because Matt's _Mello_'s best friend and Mello is entirely too possessive for his own good. Matt sometimes thinks that they should give Mello a bit more credit. Mello has a huge inferiority complex and Matt doubts that they had ever seen him cry. While it is a bit annoying that Mello rather Matt not be close to other children in the orphanage, he supposed that Mello would be slightly anxious seeing that Matt was his _only_ friend. The other children either couldn't stand him or were afraid of him. Linda fit into the latter category.

Mello scans the room warily and stares in disbelief as Matt approaches Linda casually, greeting her politely. She blinks in surprise before returning the gesture, smiling. She eyes Mello cautiously before she drops her paintbrush and whispers to Matt, "Would you _like _to have the orphanage demolished?" However, she manages to keep her pleasant smile plastered to her face.

When these sort of words are spoken to Matt they make him cringe. He gives up on trying to create an irate Mello and just says that he's bored which gives Mello a chance to tell him that they're going to their dormitory. Of course, as usual, Matt doesn't argue. That's his nature, and he shouldn't be trying to defy it. Now when Mello rants he still doesn't say anything unless he has a cigarette dangling from his lips. He doesn't care that Mello remarks how nauseating his "dirty habit" is, but heck, Mello's always getting him into trouble and it'll probably kill him and Mello some day, and some time in the future before his death he's going to be plagued with the bothersome thought that at that very moment he could be enjoying his last cigarette but _no _Mello disapproved of it and Matt has to do everything _Mello _says, doesn't he?

Matt quickly stubs the cigarette, staining the carpet with the ash. Mello flashes that disgusted expression but Matt honestly doesn't care.

Mello doesn't envy Matt anymore.  


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**...that would have to be one of the worst endings I've ever written, ever.**

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I'm sorry, this story is a little jumbled up ^^; I'm thinking of making this a two-shot; should I? I probably will x) But I'd like feedback~

**~ Amaryne**


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